The Last Days

Jonas' 2nd birthday in heaven will be this Monday coming up.  To say my heart has been a wreck is an understatement.  I am coming to find out that the days leading up to the day he died are actually harder than the day he died.  I can remember so many things the last days he was alive kicking inside of me.  He was such a sweet baby.  Even from inside the womb I could tell his personality.  He never really kicked super hard, he would take the tops of his toes and fingernails and rub the inside of my stomach.  It would make me laugh all the time, I felt like I was getting tickled from the inside-out :)  I craved seafood like a mad man!  I limited my intake of seafood to a bowl of clam chowder a month because I was worried about consuming mercury even though the doctors said I could have 6-12oz a week.  And oh man I wanted chocolate like no other.  I remember the first trimester I thought for sure Jonas was a girl because my cravings for chocolate were so strong.  With Jackson and Joe all I wanted was raw almonds and scrambled eggs.  

I remember the Tuesday before Jonas died I was at Enrichment and went on a walk with my friends Sarah and Lynette.  I remember stopping on the sidewalk because I had a nice contraction and I said he is totally coming this week!  I went and sat down inside the church and looked down and saw Jonas moving all over my stomach.  I love the sight of a pregnant belly moving like there is a alien about to pop out :)  I remember Thursday morning my sweet friend Ashlee kissing my tummy at playgroup and talking to Jonas saying how excited she was to be holding him in a few days and to hurry up and come out.  I remember a couple hours after that I went to see Iron Man 2 with Josh while Jack was being babysat by a friend of mine.  I told Josh I can feel he is coming tomorrow (the 11th) so we better go have one last outing before were juggling 2 little guys :)   It was during Iron Man 2 when I started to feel his movements decrease.  

After our date we went to pick up Jack from my friend Holly's home and I told her Jonas is not moving that much and she said you better go to Labor & Deliver right now.  And I remember saying some pretty shocking words to her, words that I would have to face up to less than 24 hours later.  I said to her, "If something was wrong and he (Jonas) had to get out right this moment there is no way I would make it to the hospital in time, if Jonas was meant to die there would be nothing I could do to stop it, it would all be in Heavenly Father's hands."  I remember the look on Holly's face and the look on Josh's face.  And I thought to myself, why the heck did I just say that?!?  I then laid down on her couch and did a kick count.  I got 10 in about 2 minutes and I said, "He's good, just squished, just like Jack was..."  Jack did not move a lot the week before he was delivered and all the NSTs showed he was just getting cramped in my stomach.

Later that night I went to watch Josh play dodgeball and saw my friend Sarah again and another friend Sandy and told them Jonas' movements are slowing down.  I asked them if that happened to them and I remember Sandy saying, "They do get cramped in there towards the end."  I remember Sarah saying she agreed, but to remember I'm the mom and I would know best if something is not right.  I am Jonas' mom and I can't tell you how many times I wish over and over again I would have just gotten up out of the movie theater while we were watching Iron Man 2 and gone to the hospital!!!!!  Would Jonas be here today....NO he would not because I know he was not meant to stay here no matter what I did.  I do know this, but that guilt still lingers in the back of my mind and it will take a long time to get over that guilt.  We do not know the cause of Jonas' death, but I believe his cord got kinked and cut off his oxygen supply.  He was "sunny side up" (posterior), which means he was head down, but his belly was facing my belly button instead of my spine.  I believe he tried to rollover to be in the correct position, pinched his cord and that is when his oxygen supply got cut off, he passed away and then he went back into his posterior position.  I believe this because just after midnight on the 11th I was doing last minute grocery shopping in Walmart.  I was over by the bananas and I remember stopping and hunching over because he was making a huge movement, it didn't feel like a contraction it felt like he was trying to turn.  I remember my friend Jacquie was out late doing her grocery shopping and she came running over to see if I was ok.  I said to her, "He's trying to get into position to be delivered!  He is posterior and I think he just turned and is in the correct position!"  I then told her, "I bet you 10 bucks he's coming in the morning!!!"  I had the biggest grin on my face, that was the last time I felt him move.  What I wouldn't give to go back in time and change things.  Jonas was born in the posterior position, so that is why I think he tried to flip over, but it did not work.

You can read the rest of Jonas birth story here.  I remember during delivery I asked my amazing nurse Codi and my incredible Dr. Hutchinson a million questions about what I could have done to cause Jonas to die.  I remember Codi saying do not play that "What if game."  I remember Dr. Hutchinson saying there is nothing I could have done to change things.  I remember him telling me in an emergency c-section you have about 2 minutes to get the baby out.  I remember thinking what I said to my friend Holly and I knew there was no way I could even get to the hospital in 2 minutes, but if I would have left during the movie....see I'm still doing the what if game in my head...   :(

I have to keep one foot in heaven because it brings so much peace.  I know I will see Jonas again, I know he was not meant to stay here, I truly believe these things.  It's just so hard to keep the horrific memories out of my head of delivering my sweet baby boy with no life in him.  Seeing his dead, limp little body cannot be erased from my mind.  Watching my husband sob over our precious little guy crushes my heart.  Watching Jack walk into the room so thrilled to hold his baby brother and having to tell him over and over again that he is not sleeping, he is dead...it breaks my heart a million times over.  I remember the days following Jonas' death I thought I would never be able to smile again, laugh again, but some how I did.  He knows our sorrows and I feel so much strength and love from Him.  He has made it possible for us to live with our loved ones forever.  I know my sweet boy is with Him.  I know there was a specific reason Jonas could not stay here and this will all make sense one day.  I am grateful for all Jonas has taught me already.  He has given me so much compassion for others.  He has given me the strongest determination to make sure I do my best to help those around me and most importantly to love one another.